No Offense: Equality by the numbers
by Tom Buchanan

N umeric identification to replace long standing alpha identification

What’s in a name? Apparently the public has decided that names can be offensive, create envy and become a major stumbling block to equality. Legislation is in the works to replace traditional names based on the alphabet to a more equal, obscure naming convention relying solely on numerics. Zero through nine will take on new meaning if the new legislation is passed.

In a move to remove offensiveness from society it has been decided that names mean things. Hate crime legislation has taken another step in the direction of ridding society from any threat from prejudice. A new law has been proposed that will require anyone with a sir name that might be perceived as offensive to change their name to the new government controlled number system for names.

Names can be offensive. Some surnames such as Washington, Jefferson, Adams, Franklin, Johnson, Jackson will become illegal to use as they are offensive to descendants of slaves and native Americans. Congress has voted that we should immediately go to using social security numbers for all names. “It makes sense said one state representative from California” “There is no way to better assure the removal of hatred and prejudice from modern society that having everyone change their name to a number. 568-80-0020 is much more obscure than Leroy Jackson. No one will be able to identify a person’s race, sex or sexual persuasion by going to the number naming system (NNS). We will all be equal.

The movement began long ago when native Americans were offended by the use of names such as Warriors, Chiefs, Braves, Indians and Squaws as mascots for sporting teams. Once they were removed and replaced by NNS names animosity ceased. Converting alpha based names to numeric based names has been an effort of epic proportion. Under the system every state has been assigned a numeric code. Every municipality within each state has a number assigned to it also. In addition every school district and school within each district has a unique number. For example Colorado has been assigned the number 38, the order in which it became a state. Every town within the state was assigned a number in the order in which it became established. Each school district and school within the district were assigned numbers corresponding with their founding also.

This has worked out great. For instance in Colorado(38), the city of Loveland was the twenty third town to be established(23), the School district is Thompson Valley which was the forty second district established in Colorado(42) and the Loveland High School was first in the district(01). The former Colorado Loveland Thompson Valley Loveland High School Indians have now become the 38-23-42-01’s. It is hard to be offended by a number as opposed to a name, besides the actual name is much shorter to type.

With the success of removing offending names as names of towns, and sport teams, it is only natural that we continue the crusade to banish prejudice from society.

It has also worked for businesses. Many people wanted to start a business with a catchy name only to find that the name was being used. Going to a number system for business names ensures equality for everyone. any business is established a number based on the Business Category Number (BCN) followed by the Employer Identification Number (EIN) followed by the state and city location numbers. So if you owned a pet shop in Loveland, Colorado you would advertise your business as BCN (sales=24) (animals=47) (pets=03) (EIN=553079939) (Colorado=38) (Loveland=23). The business name 24-47-03-553079939-38-23 is much less offensive and fair that Loveland’s Biggest and Best Pet Shop. See, no one has an advantage over anyone else because of a name.

It is for this reason that Congress has passed legislation to do away with any surnames. As it stands now there are only a few that provoke offense. But it order to be fair we congress has decided to make all surnames illegal. Going to the social security name system will remove all references to family origin and history from public records and truly give everyone an equal opportunity in today’s ever growing and evolving society.

Individual screen names on forums and chat rooms will also be assigned a random number so as to not offend anyone. Allowing people to choose their own screen names only allows people too much choice. Each person’s comments should be treated equal to everyone else’s.

This is going to be all well and good, however, we can count on numerology people to start shouting how certain combinations of numbers are offensive to various organizations. The ACLU will probably try to establish that numbers have rights and can be offended themselves.

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